There are dozens of ways legitimate and illegitimate sales people try to get through to us on the telephone or by email. We’ve all had hundreds of scamming emails from widows and lawyers who need our help (and just a little of our money) to release the millions of dollars they’re eager to share with us.

Or we’ve won the lottery.

I’m often amazed, and even occasionally amused, at the sheer incompetence of some of them. Take this one, for example…

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Greetings My Name is Mr Benson Stephen

Hello How are you doing today? My Name is Mrs Maria Leslie Am from United Kingdom , where are you from? Are you a dedicated Christen/Muslim? please reply today. I will be waiting for your email My Regards, Mr Benson Stephen

Email Disclaimer Notice:   The information in this e-mail and any attachments is confidential and may be legally privileged or propriety is subject to copyright and is the property of Osoul Investment Company….

Disclaimer added by CodeTwo Exchange Rules www.codetwo.com

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What’s clever (but not very) about this one is the ‘disclaimer notice’ that’s supposed to lend an air of authenticity to the message. It supposedly legitimises the otherwise dodgy-sounding ‘Osoul Investment Company’. But not clever, I think, in any way, to be a transgender scammer and have two names.

This one is also fun, not least for being expressed in just two sentences.

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Greeting to you Dear Mr Bager, I contact you for a good purpose that will benefit me and you,I’m Mr.Denise Nwadike ZANOU a Private lawyer to Late Engr Michael Bager, a national of your country and Director of oil company here, my client and his family were involved in a car accident unfortunately lost their lives, my later client had an account valued at about 13.7Musd  thirteen Million Seven Hundred Thousand Dollars in Bank here and I want to present you to the bank as the next of kin to my late client since you have the same last name, please send your full name /email and telephone number to my email info.avocatdenise@gmail.com so that I’ll send more details to you and i ll also forward it to the bank here to release the fund of my late cline to your account as a new beneficiary since you have the same last name with him.then you and I will Share the money 50% to me and 50% to you. Am looking forward to receiving your response regards this transaction.

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Lawyers can be longwinded, but this stretches credulity a hundred words too far.

Kate Lee, below, thinks she’s being especially clever in anticipating our scepticism…

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Greetings,

I know you will be surprised to read my email. Apart from being surprise you may be skeptical to reply me because based on what is happening on the internet world, one has to be very careful because a lot of scammers are out there to scam innocent citizens and this has made it very difficult for people to believe anything that comes through the internet.

My name is Capt. Carr Kate Lee, a member of the U.S. ARMY medical team, Just deployed to Iraq Because of the ISIS Problem. View to see details ( en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2014_military_intervention_against_ISIS ).

I need a trust worthy person who will assist me in procuring these funds that will be transferred to you for both our collective benefit.

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It takes just a couple of seconds to dismiss these kinds of emails, but if you added up all the time we spend on scams and other breathtakingly stupid attempts on our prosperity it would add up to several wasted days in a lifetime.

But of course, many of the people who approach us have a perfectly legitimate aim – people selling us mailing lists, offering us inclusion in our profession’s Who’s Who or Hall of Fame, asking for an interview, offering us investment and life insurance schemes, an immediate Doctorate, etc.

Yesterday I was even asked to review my profile in Women of Distinction.

What surprises me is that they do it SO BADLY.

There are those insurance salesman whose patter is good enough to get them through the first line of defence, your switchboard or secretary, but who blow it immediately, at least with me, by beginning,

‘Good morning Mr Bager. How are you today?!’

No one, except a salesman, begins a conversation that way, and I can’t think why they’re still teaching them to deploy this kind of breezy insincerity. I don’t waste time. I’m cruel, perhaps, but to the point. I interrupt and ask them what they’re trying to sell.

‘No, no, I’m not trying to sell you anything at all. I just want to talk about an opportunity….’

Hmmmm. Down goes the phone.

Email style is another giveaway. I’m infuriated by those who write as if they know me already. And this sort of flattery doesn’t work on me either:

LLP Group has been shortlisted for IS 20 Most Valuable IT Services Companies listing

or

Hi Adam,

As a B2B sales leader in your company, I believe you will find this interesting and informative.

B2B sales leader? Me?!

And then, of course, there are the Tatianas:

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Hello, I very much want to meet a good man and I know, we’ll necessarily find each other: I need a man who has open soul.

Profiles:233261261 – http://vnlvxmenblf.zgr.name I am a sweet and smart lady with long hair and beautiful eyes.

My friends tell me that I am a very beautiful girl. I want acquainted with a real man who becomes a beloved husband for me.

He should be romantic, affectionate and |tender|gentle[/string], and of course responsible. If I’m interested, write me Bye, Tatiana.

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Am I right in thinking that the adjective substitution algorithm hasn’t quite worked `correctly on |tender|gentle[/string].

I leave Tatiana to you, if you’re interested!