My mother is 95, and in good health, both mentally and physically, facing the last years of her life with equanimity, good grace, and a total absence of self-pity. Her powers are failing, but, as I remind her, so are mine. So are everyone’s. She might well have another ten years to go, or even more, and if she can maintain her mental acuity, and her sense of humour, and of the ridiculous and the absurd, they will be good years for her and for those around her. She has no expectation of immortality and is determined to make the most of the time that’s left.
I spoke to her yesterday on the way home from the airport. She’s been cajoling me into playing the oboe at her ‘final’ concert party in Salisbury in September, and I’ve been teasing her by pretending to demur. There have, after all, as I point out, been several ‘final’ concerts – almost as many as the great Spanish soprano, Montserrat Caballe, has given.
Our family concerts involve my brother and me, his children, their spouses and partners playing classical music on the oboe, flute, violin, bassoon and piano, often awkward arrangements of well-known pieces such as the Rite of Spring. These concerts serve as reminders, in some cases, of how much better we used to play when we were children or young adults.
So, I have pretended to be unsure of whether I can take part, citing business travel, lack of practice, broken reeds and hugely more important things to do. My mother has countered with various powerful arguments, most of which boil down to the unreliable suggestion that ‘this really is the last.’ But I am not convinced.
Yesterday, however, on the spur of the moment, she launched a new line of argument.
‘You played at that old lady’s funeral last year,’ she said, referring to my two-minute oboe solo at the funeral of my dear friend Jane last May (my mother has total recall, it seems, and I should never have told her about it).
‘So, I really think you should play at my pre-funeral.’
What a marvellous idea! All the ceremony, glad-handing and fun of the funeral itself, with the added advantage that you can actually BE THERE to enjoy it.
We had a good laugh about it. She can still be funny, inventive and absurd. And it is true that we shall probably play the same music at the real one, assuming we do not pre-decease her, and as long as we are still young enough to play.
But the question is, how many pre-funerals can you have? I am afraid this may be the first of many.
Nevertheless, I suppose I shall play at it.
Many years ago my parents added an “Aunt” to the family. Leni Kapp had escaped the Nazis by getting to England with her Jewish husband. They moved to a house next to my parents on the coast of Sussex in 1936.
By the time I was born Fred and Leni were family.
Years later she confided with me that she only “stayed around” to see me married.
It became a family joke and I stayed unmarried until I was 32.
Six months after I was finally a groom Leni, true to her word joined her beloved Fred in what I hope is a wonderful place to listen to Wagner’s Ring cycle her favourite.
So my advice? Keep putting it off Adam! Don’t give these determined ladies any excuses!
Well, I look forward to joining Leni at that Bayreuth in the sky myself, but not soon. Or should it be Walhalla?
I was amused 🙂 .. so have a lot of of pre-funeral concerts ! Good excercise to keep your skill alive 🙂
Peas in a Pod – Adam Bager
To Scrape or Not to Scrape? – Adam Bager